I got home
and the building manager handed me something.
Something I've been hoping for,
for too many months now.
I'd almost given up hope,
but was willing to fight for my case any which way...
But no need now!!
I opened the letter
and I took the elevator,
tears swelling up in my eyes.
I was between hysterical laughter and tears of joy!!
It was from the Directeur de l'Etat Civil,
a provincial bureau that legislate on whether you can change your name [or not].
For the last 50 years,
I bore the name of my father.
For the last 35 years,
I bore the name of a pedophile.
A pedophile that preyed on me for many years on a daily basis.
During those years,
I had [way] more sex with my father
than my mom ever did in 46 years ...
He paid me to keep silent
but he needed not worry so much
as my shame kept me quiet for many years,
BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!
May all of the pedophiles of this planet get gangrene on their genitals!!!
I started procedures to change my name about a year ago
and I was getting worried it wouldn't work,
after all of this time.
I got a letter last summer telling me to give a justifiable reason to change my name,
when I had already stated it in my preliminary request,
and then in my official request.
I must admit despair got the best of me.
For me to need to justify my decision a third time,
it only reminded me of the various social workers I had to deal with in the last few years,
telling them why I shouldn't be the one caring for my widowed father...
To no avail as I was stuck with him since 2006.
when I felt I loathed him enough to strike him down.
That's when I stepped back,
change my phone and became suddenly unavailable.
No more having to be in his presence ever;
no more taking him to his appointments,
no more Mister Nice Guy!!
I was through!!
It almost killed me [back in 2009].
I still have to deal with some consequences,
but I am now hopeful!!
I'm NO saint!!
But I didn't kill him...
nor did I call the cops on him either,
but it came close,
in either case.
I loathe him that much!
On January 4th 2011,
I wished him well and swore to myself I'd never see him again.
That didn't quite work out the way I'd hope,
because I saw him again even if he didn't see me,
as he was leaving the hospital I was working at...
I almost fainted in the ER parking lot when I saw him being transferred.
But the matter is now in front of a judge
and in the hands of his brother-in-law,
I still can't decide:
Should I laugh [with glee] or should I cry [with relief]?
I will [eventually] get that tattoo,
wings on my left ankle,
as my steps in this life should now feel lighter,
a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders.
I have no clue who Reno Bernier is,
aside from his title at the government,
but I love him!!
I am full of love right now!!
I love the postman who brought this letter!!
I love the building manager who handed me the letter.
I am also in love with myself for starting the whole thing in the first place.
I may have entered this world bearing a cursed name,
but I will leave this world holding my head proud,
MY OWN MAN!!
It's been a long journey,
but the worst of it is behind me now.
I now have to follow the procedures
to change all of my identification cards and accounts...
That's my mission for 2012!!
If you didn't listen to the previous vid,
(shame on you!!),
listen to this last one.
Partake into MY moment!!
Try feeling what I feel,
if only for a moment.
Is it asking too much?
I am alone with this right now,
but that's a choice I've made a long time ago.
No partner, no kid(s),
so I don't [ever] perpetuate a pattern...
and my friends are too far away right now.
Should I cry?
Should I laugh?
I just know I need to wipe this stupid grin off my face right now.
I now have to go to the convenience store downstairs,
and I don't need to explain my sudden "sunny disposition"!!
I AM FREE!!!
For those who still don't understand the importance of a name:
Every time I would introduce myself,
I would say HIS name.
Every time someone called out to me,
I'd hear HIS name.
Every time I'd signed something,
I'd signed HIS name...
Do you get IT now?!?
To all of those who fell prey to pedophiles,
don't let them own you.
They don't deserve to be responsible for destroying your life.
Don't give them that pleasure!!
I've waited way too long.
It shouldn't be YOUR shame but THEIRS!!!
I only pray that judges around this planet will finally understand
what kind of pain such individuals can cause us,
and how it never [quite] heals!!
To think that I am of a nurturing nature,
(ask any of my old patients... and maybe my friends).
But to be in a killing mood is so foreign to me,
and yet so visceral...
I know I can love,
but I know I cannot ever trust a man,
for as long as I breathe.
Unless [perhaps] 'till the right one comes along...
What are the odds?
I won't be holding my breath,
but in the meantime,
I'll be holding my head proud.
HE doesn't own me anymore!!
On paper at least...
I'll never get justice for my pain,
but I'm just being realistic.
He would never get what he deserves,
according to me.
But he believes in God...
Should I believe in God's justice?